Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
its liver damage thursday
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
