My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
