On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
