I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
