Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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