as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
