Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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