I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
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I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
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When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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