you guys were way drunker than both of me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
