If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
