I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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