The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
