he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
