Me. At least after what I've been through.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
