Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
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I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
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I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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