Umm I'm too high to move.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
