The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
