I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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