I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
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