the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
