Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
