he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
