life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
