Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
