I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
