My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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