Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
jump out the window naked night went bad
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
