Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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