I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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