I just threw up on my dentist
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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