I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
