My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
