that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
