PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
