so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
bring money and cleavage
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
