So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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