My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
