I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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