I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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