I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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