Will you blow on my dice?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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