so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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