haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize