even my farts smell like vagina
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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