My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
