I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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