I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Sorry about my life...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
