its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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