YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
