I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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