you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
