Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I stole a fireplace last night.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So much rum. So many feels.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
