We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I have fence marks all over my body
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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