i just wanna soil my oats bro
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
