The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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