He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
